The Story of Everything, by Justin Thyme Hilltop
Part 1…In The Beginning
It’s an inevitable question from near about every child. “Mommy, where do we come from? Daddy, why are we here?” Of course these burning questions festered in my head and heart and the flames would not die down without an answer. So many questions I had as a kid and only two people I knew and trusted to give me answers. But It didn’t stop there because it made me wonder where they got the answers? Turns out they got their answers from a place called church. So the answers came from some dude they saw once a week every Sunday. This dude stands up in front of everyone and talks, sometimes even scolds everyone. Then in an apparent attempt to make my parents feel better he makes us sing songs and repeat phrases like “and with you“ and the like. Afterwards he waits by the door to talk to everyone. Not very convincing to a young boy. Especially when the dude dresses so damn strange, in a black jacket with a funny looking collar. But this is the guy with all the answers to all the questions in the world. This is the dude who told Mom where I came from, and told Dad why we’re all are here. So how the fuck does he know so much? I needed to find out.
I watched closely to see how it all works. First there is a huge room. A gigantic room actually, and this odd guy stands up on a kind of stage they call an alter, and lectures everyone in the room, all of whom are sitting on these Hard wooden bench like things. I don’t believe the designer gave any thought whatsoever about how peoples asses would feel just 5 minutes after sitting. I could physically see most all of the kids and half of the Dads squirming around trying to find a position that doesn’t leave bruises on the cheek. That must be what they really mean when they say turn the other cheek. So this funny looking dude stands up there and tells stories about a long long time ago, tells us to open our hymnals, and makes us sing songs. Then he gets mad and tells the adults how to live, which for kids is the best part because its Mom and Dad getting some of the shit they give us constantly. But still, its boring as hell, which apparently is a word I can’t say even though its in that book of theirs. That black book, is that where he get his info?
As it turns out he knows the story of everything because it tells him so in that special black book. The name of this book is “The Bible” and it is considered by just about everyone to be the end all and be all of everything. They call it the holy bible. Funny word, if I heard a story with lots of holes in it I would think it’s a lie. Why people even put their hand on this book and swear to things and everyone else accepts that as absolute truth. It made me wonder what the fuck could make one book so damn powerful. If this book has the answers to everything and I read it myself I will know everything. So I took a copy, which didn’t seem like a bad thing to me until Dad screamed when I got home and he saw it. Now I know its stealing and that’s wrong and results in an ass whooping, so you see, that book taught me something right from the start.
I finally did read this Bible though, and what I did read absolutely amazed me. This book, this holy bible is filled with some very strange stories, even stranger than green eggs and ham. It was quite hard to read because even though the words were English words many of them made no sense. So I read it over and over until I could finally understand it. I had to wonder who wrote it and why so I asked the Sunday dude with the funny collar how and when it was written. I have to tell you I was rather shocked when I found out. This shit was written thousands of years ago, and it is a kind of history book written by god. But of course that makes no sense, why would god waste his time writing such a long story. Turns out, he didn’t actually write it himself, he had his people write it for him. The first five books were written by this like 4 thousand year old clown named “Mosey”. Not only did he write it, but he had a starring role in the second through fifth chapters. The rest was written by some out of work history teachers called scribes. That is until this Spanish guy named Jesus comes along, then all the different religions have different history books. But my interest was in the beginning. In the beginning man created god in his own image. But wait, do I have that backwards? Is this the dyslexic version? More importantly, was it a GRAVEN image? These are important and serious questions that need serious….well it needed answers! When the funny collar dude said some like four thousand year old fucker named Mosey wrote the first five stories something didn’t seem right. I think its about time this whole crazy story gets straightened out. And I know just the right person to spin these fables out of biblical proportions. Yours truly of course!
So I started by thinking back to a time when my Mom and Dad would read me stories. All these wild fairy tales of ladies with hair so strong and long that a man could climb up her hair and save her, or a little girl that ventured into the house of a family of bears. Bears who ate porridge and slept in beds! There were cross dressing wolves dressed as grandma’s, houses made of candy, and even three little pigs who each made their houses from different things, one straw, one wood, and one was apparently a mason and built it with bricks. All the stories were quite harmless really, and very entertaining to a young child. And I had no clue at the time, but these stories had more than just entertainment values, they taught me something. They taught me what my parents called morals. Like, so the moral of the story is don’t steal, or the moral of the story is to be considerate of others and be good, or whatever, the point is they taught me what’s right and what’s wrong. As I got older of course I realized that pigs can’t talk let alone build brick houses, and bears live in caves, not in beds, and they don’t even like porridge. My point is I learned things from these stories even though they were completely made up. It was just a way to get me to understand right from wrong in a way I could understand at the time. But now suddenly they want to believe in a garden with the first two people ever and some evil talking snake., a man building an ocean liner called an ark and grabbing two of each animal, insects,’ birds all of them, and got them rooms. Some kind of floating creature hotel filled with honeymoon suites. It floated around with them for forty days and forty nights while it rained continuously. Somehow they all ate, but not each other. The lions played with the lambs and the crickets and the birds and none of them gave into the temptation for forty days. It got me thinking about these bible stories. What if the funny collar dude is wrong? What if it was just stories written by his mom and dad to help teach him right from wrong? I mean it makes sense, right? Just like Rapunzle, or Rumplestiltskin, or Goldilocks. Maybe these stories of Adam, and Eve, and Noah, and Cain and Able were just fairytales to teach him morals.. What if they are really made up stories written to explain to the children of thousands of years ago how to behave and how to treat each other? And of course how everything came to be?
It brought me to an internal understanding. This bible, this holy book, is nothing more than the history of humans as told by the people who first learned to write. So much of the beginning is a recounting of stories that were told in household through out the land we call the fertile crescent. So I re-read this bible only this time I tried to read between the lines. This is how Justin Thyme Hilltop came up with the true explanation of how we got to where we are. This is the story of everything.
Part one: Genesis
Evolution is the key. Just as animals evolved into other animals, so did we evolve from some sort of animal. Bipeds they call us. We walk upright on two legs and use our hands as tools. So the original peoples of the earth evolved from animals and grew up in tribes. Each tribe or community took care of itself, its only purpose was to reproduce thereby keeping the tribe alive. Survival. That was the key. Most tribes were hunters or scavengers, either killing and eating animals, or scavenging the vegetation already here on earth. However, in an area we now call the Middle East, the so-called fertile crescent, two tribes stood out amongst all others. They had become far more advanced than most other tribes. These two tribes used reason and logic, and figured out a way to survive working together as a colony. One tribe, The Aggies, learned how to manipulate the vegetation and grow it at will using soil, sun and water. They were prolific growers. The other tribe, The Shepherds, learned how to manipulate the cattle and sheep, and penned them up creating a seemingly endless supply of milks and meats. They were prolific manipulators. These two tribes habituated a very large area called the Garden of Eden. They did not like each other, but they used their logic and reason to devise boundaries which they agreed not to cross. So the Aggies lived in the North section of Eden, and the Shepherds the South. The tribes kept to themselves and all was peaceful until one incident set of a series of events that would change the world.
One of the Aggies, a young male decided to take a walk in the area that no one used to see what was there. He came across a small waterhole in which a young lady was bathing. He did not recognize her so he knew she must belong to the Shepherds. When he looked closely at her, he noticed something that struck him. She looked much like he did, only fairer in skin and hair. She had a pale complexion and long colorless long hair filled with curls. She had eyes of turquoise which seemed to sparkle like evening stars. He found her oddly attractive. He became entrances as she bathed with water glistening off her white full breasts. It made his stomach a tad queasy. More than that, there was something intriguing about this woman. He spied her with great delight and even began to wonder if she was like the women of Aggies in other ways. Okay, let me spell it out for you. He began feel that all too familiar tingling of the loins that cause men to lose control. He began to wonder if she enjoyed the pleasures of sex in the same manner women of his tribe had enjoyed him. Basically, he thought about making wild unbridled passionate love to her. Considering the times, perhaps it was bridled sex, but whatever, she made him horny as all….. For lack of a better term, all Hell.
He began wandering down to the waterhole every day and watched from the trees as she bathed herself getting more horny each day. He stared in awe until he got up enough nerve to confront her. “Young maiden of the Shepherds, why do you come here each day by yourself?” The young maiden pretended to be alarmed even though she had been aware of his hiding and staring since his first visit. Frankly, she was just as curious as he was, also experienced a tingle and perhaps just as interested in sex. “I come here to bath myself, not to be stared at by an Aggie. Why do you come here and stare at me?” The young Aggie gave this some thought, because quite frankly he wasn’t sure himself why he was here. “ I come not to stare at you but to explore the area and determine if the land is fit for growing” he lied. The young maiden blushed slightly when she saw the lust in his dark brown eyes. “Are you sure it is the land which explore? It seems to me you are looking at my body and I believe that is not vegetation I see growing under your loincloth” The audacious young maiden gave him a look that offered more a challenge than a venting of distain. She blinked her eyes at him and something strange happened. He felt a Funny feeling in his stomach as though the seeds he used to grow things themselves were festering from within. He boldly chose to accept the challenge. “It is true that have gazed upon you and appreciate the…..unusual beauty you possess. Indeed I was hoping perhaps you were an Aggie and would be my maiden.” The Aggie could feel his entire body shaking and the young Shepherd maiden did not back away. She moved closer to the Aggie. “I am a Shepherd woman, not a dirt laden Aggie maiden. And you young Aggie, you are filled with dirt from your farming. If I were to ever consider being a maiden to the like of you I would expect you to be clean. Why don’t you come in here and allow me to bathe you?” It was more of an order than an invitation but that was of no consequence because he had already made his mind up as to where he was headed. He approached the watering hole with a mere modicum of trepidation. She held out her hand and he accepted, and the both of them shuddered ever so slightly. He dropped his loincloth and revealed the growth underneath it was indeed ripe for the picking. He stepped naked into the waterhole beside her. For five minutes they stared and cleansed each other, eyes sparkling with curious wonder. The Aggie closed his eyes and allowed this maiden, this Shepherd woman to touch him all over. When she got down to washing below his waist he was surprised to discover how eagerly his body was responding. The maiden held his solid manpole in her hand. “Methinks my Aggie that you have something other than bathing on your mind.” Unable to form an actual word, the Aggie grabbed the maiden in his arms and laid a big fat spit swapping kiss on her using his tongue muscle very skillfully. This was something new to the maiden, and at first she wanted to pull back. However, once she realized how good the tongue tango felt, she greedily sucked his tongue into her mouth and allowed the saliva filled dance to continue. Well I don’t have to tell you what happened next. Sparks flew and fluids oozed, and soft moaning was the only form of communication. Of course the two lovers understood they braved the scorn of their fellow tribe members by allowing their naked bodies to exchange these biological fluids. But it felt so crazy good they did indeed continue to explore each other and exchange passion and bodily fluids. Four times. It wasn’t until after the fourth round of carnal explorations led to exhaustion that they even introduced themselves to each other. “I am called Adam, which means man.” To which the maiden replied, “Indeed Adam, you are quite the man. More so than any Shepherd I have ever known. My name is Eve, which means life.” With a big fat satisfied grin Adam replied, “Indeed Eve, you have breathed life into me unequaled by any other Aggie I have ever known.”
So Adam and Eve began to meet each other every day and made love like a couple of school kids. But all was not so good back at the tribes. The other Aggies were beginning to get suspicious because Adam never ever seemed to be dirty. How could anyone work the soil all day yet remain free of dirt. And back at the Shepherds they began to get suspicious because Eve was always whistling and showed no interest in even the most handsome of Shepherds. Now it just so happened that the leader of each tribe sent someone to follow their respective suspected tribe violators on the very same day. Once at the watering hole, the Aggie spy hid in the north woods, and the Shepherd spy hid in the south woods. At first the spies were appalled and shocked. But Adam and Eve were both so very sexually talented, and each brought new tricks specific to their tribes that it became more of a show. I believe at least one, perhaps even both had become so excited while watching that they pleasured themselves before retuning to the tribe leaders to give the reports.
The tribe leaders were livid. Furious! How could this possibly happen? It was the most outrageous act that had ever occurred. They both paced, in different colonies yet somehow in unison, until the sinners returned to their folds. The minute Adam returned to the Shepherd village he was grabbed by the biggest and strongest Aggies and brought before the leader. “Adam, I am quite disappointed”, he said, “You have disrespected every member of our tribe by engaging in this disgusting act with a Shepherd woman.” Adam didn’t answer, he just stood there looking sheepish, which for an Aggie was another no no. “You’re despicable act has left me with no other choice. You shall be banned forever from the garden of Eden. Go now, get out and never return. Take your Shepherd slut with you!” Adam sadly walked to his hut to gather his belongings. Inside he saw his best and now only friend. “How did he find out” he asked of this friend. “Well Adam, you were spied on by Cain. He followed you and reported back to the leader.” Adam shook his head and mumbled, “Cain, of course. I should have guessed. That shit spreading farmer is gonna pay for this someday.” And with that, Adam left towards the waterhole hoping to see Eve there one last time.
Eve of course had a similar experience, and she too was permanently banned from the Garden of Eden. Eve was certain it was Abel that had spied on her as Abel had always tried putting the moves on her but she forever denied his advances. Reluctantly she too had to leave, and also chose to have one last look around the sexually charged waterhole in hopes that somehow Adam might be there. As luck would have it, which luck often does in tales, they met at the very same moment and exchanged stories of banishments.
So hand in hand Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden forever, Eve holding in her free hand the apple Adam had grown for her, and Adam holding his snake, which Eve had so totally and completely tamed, in his